Monthly Archives: April, 2013

Always Wanting More

you’re more beautiful than you give yourself credit for

you can be happier than you allow yourself to be

but you’re always wanting more, more, more

seeking closure to what makes you so empty

 

A mother abandons her daughter

as her mother had abandoned her

with an early departure

when she kept her head under water

so this child only had a father

trying to keep the family together

promised her to do better

trying to make their life whole again

but where one problem ends, the trouble begins

years go by, each day she wonders why

this world continue to makes her cry

one reason after another

she grows to hate her mother

 

Disciplined, but no sense of self-worth

no shame in the number of hands up her skirt

a teen with a dream to go places

but can’t bare to look at their faces

she made mistakes, carries those regrets

people in her life won’t let her forget

they play on those insecurities

making sure she’s too blind to see

that there is so much more to her

she’s busy searching for the cure

conditioned to always expect the worst

serving a man who will never put her first

 

grown now, she fights a battle everyday

at war with everything they say

a soldier that prays before she preys

on all the good that comes her way

so full of doubts and insecurities

tough exterior, but only pretend to be

she misses being a little girl

innocent, oblivious to this world

but she can’t go back to that

this world took what she can’t get back

moving forward is her number one goal

but after the first step, she always folds

she holds a bitter resentment for this world

for depriving her of being that little girl

for a mother that didn’t seem to love her

she knows that life is all about progress

and accepts that she will never be flawless

a lifelong  journey to revive what she thought was over

still she aches with a desire for closure

 

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P.S…F You Too

Wish I could just say I want you, and you say “I do too”

But that’s not the way the world works, so fuck you too

I sacrificed a career, moving from here to there just to please u

Because u saying “baby, don’t leave, I really need you”

I gave you the best of me and I got bullshit in return

You only gave excuses said details were not of my concern

But I had to let you in and explain it all to you, didn’t I bitch

You had the gun pointed to my head, and a finger that itched

Cause you pulled the trigger and shot me down like a bird in the sky

Left me shattered into pieces with hopes that my soul would die

You must of forgotten that I couldn’t be killed, but still

You lacked faith in me, you couldn’t believe in me, just a doubter

Stayed with you as cheated me, telling my boys “I won’t be without her”

Maybe I was the fool, remained ignorant to the games that you played

Caused I rolled your dice, took the chance and fucking stayed

Still I got no regrets just a lot of mistakes I gotta correct

Cause you did a number on me and one I will never forget

 

You knew you didn’t want me to begin with, but you lied to keep me around

Got want you wanted outta me then kicked me when I was down

Bitch, you don’t deserve anything you got from me, but you took it all

Should of released your hand when you were at the edge and watch you fall

But I had faith in us, kept trying cause I believed in you

Now I see it was all bullshit, none of it was true

I laid down my armor, opened up my heart to you like never before

But what I got stuck with in return was a selfish little whore

Thought you loved how much we appreciate similar lifestyles

Then you tell me u want something new so you’ll be gone a while

You fucked up my head cause I was willing to wait for u bitch

Turned a good man to a mental case, look at my eye, don’t u see the twitch?

I’m insane without you by my side, but I can’t keep you in my life

I want nothing to do with you, can’t believe I ever wanted you as my wife

I fucking hate myself for everything I let you put me through

But now ends the recurring nightmare of being with you

 

Makes me sick to think you went back to the one before me, then your best friend

you must be blind, why didn’t you see then, that shit would lead u to a dead end

I admit, I’m insecure, I have my fears, scared that my words are falling on deaf ears

As you leave to another man still lost in the world after all these years

The time that past, I hope that y’all shit don’t last

yeah, I know it’s fucked up

But you said enough, tired of the bullshit, so please shut the fuck up

I’ve given up on you whether I like it or not

Now you want a chance, you want your shot

Try to fill my head as you lay in my bed, but I feel nothing, for you, my heart’s hollow

It was only physical, nothing else to us. How’s that for too much to swallow?

You think you have a part of me, but that’s no secret

You no longer exist to me, so go ahead and keep it

Falling Angel

Lord I’m calling out to you and begging for mercy

Why do I feel so selfish? why am I so thirsty?

For people to understand though they never do

You said my words have power but how is this true

They are either overlooked or taken too lightly

They can’t see the message I deliver cause they choose to fight me

Before they hear me out because all they care about

Is getting their point across and justifying their words

But they never know what I say until its too late

And what is done is done and sorrow becomes their soul mate

 

Is it wrong of me to be tired of helping others?

You made me a protector but I couldn’t even protect my brother

I have seen their peace, I’ve seen their pain

But now its all starting to look the same

Maybe they don’t hear me or maybe they don’t want to

If it is all in vain they why should I continue?

Why put my heart out there just to be stressed?

By people who don’t even care if they’re blessed

They make me wanna give up and leave it all behind

Become heartless and return to a life of crime

And once I’m gone, I’m not coming back no more

Cause once I’m out someone’s life, I lock that door

They cease to exist in the reality of my time

The life they once filled me with has flatlined

 

If I no longer extend a hand to help

Have I abandoned my purpose?

Will I become consumed with my self

And begin to feel worthless?

I am flawed, but they expect me to be perfect

Anything less, then I’m not worth it?

I don’t deserve their time

But it’s ok for them to consume mine

I battle inner demons on a daily basis

Not one to run from a problem, I face it

I suffer so those around me can be content

I admit I feel alone, even though I know you are present

Give me a sign that I’m doing the right thing

Give me the strength and patience to succeed and win

Because these people are taking a toll on me

Open my eyes, so your light, I can see

 

Sometimes I don’t know what to do

The pressure builds and I’m crying out to you

How can I help those that seem unfaithful

Help me find my way, I feel like a falling angel

1st Place Loser

I’m the fool who chooses to be blind

Bruises and loses confidence over a sign

Nothing but a dream I had, but what does it mean

After countless attempts, finally losing steam

When I thought the will would never die

Now I’m asking myself, when will I die

Chasing after nothing but false impressions

Figure by now I would of learned my lesson

But I hate to think of myself as a quitter

But it’s like the universe doesn’t want me with her

I invest too much time in dead end women, it’s a bad habit

But when I see an opportunity I have to reach out and grab it

There’s no getting used to the rejection, it still hurts

I try ever trick in the book, but none of that shit works

My heart is still in repair, it’s been several years now

Just looking to fix it and the girl who knows how

 

I’m always wanting something I can’t have with women

The ones with a man, I just want a good woman

Someone not caught up in this world, girl who’s nice

Grounded, but not willing to give up her dreams at any price

Has self respect, smart, not settling for second best

Someone who knows her worth and accepts nothing less

But that doesn’t seem like the woman I’m suppose to have

They’re all taken, and damn with her, I got it bad

I fall for the ones that like to get in their own way

Girls who won’t leave bad relationships, such a tired cliché

And each day I pray, in hopes of finding someone

Its hard to imagine that I would be so wrong

For all the right women, but I know timing is everything

And my lack of it is why I just can’t win

One way or another time is always working against me

It’s the odor I give off, good women run when they sense me

 

I woke from a dream about the girl of my dreams

But I can’t have her so why the fuck does my mind torture me

It’s an emotional failsafe and now I’m heartbroken

Over the fact that she will never know a damn thing

About how I feel and how much better she would have felt

If we piece together the fragments that we were dealt

But here I am and there she is

In his arms, taking care of his kids

Maybe it’s in my head, but starting to think I’m meant to be alone

What I need is a wakeup call, but you won’t catch me by a phone

I’ve patiently waited for these women, just to be called outdated

Never got the chance, would be different if we actually dated

But maybe my love life is ill-fated and I should stop trying

And stop hoping, but to say I want that I would be lying

world of women out there and I’m stuck wanting the ones who don’t want me

maybe I’m blind to all the right women out there that I just can’t see

 

I’m not in it for the chase

So I never win the race

Always second place

Keeping the wrong pace

I am the undisputed ruler

Of the 1st place losers

Emotionally Compromised

I look in your eyes and I see your pain
feel your pain
you need my help but don’t say my name
you’re not the same
you rushed love and now pay the price
wishing this person was never in your life
you wanted to be his wife
but your relationship didn’t survive
he cheated, so now you feel cheated
out on a relationship which you never competed
with his ego, his desire of the flesh
you gave your all, so what do you have left?

nothing in your tank, you’re drawing a blank
trying to figure out where did you go wrong
and how long was this going on
insecurities begin to re-emerge
emotional breakdown, you begin to purge
seeking comfort in the tears you cry
can’t sleep, consumed with the question why
did he do this? why did she do that?
should you even take him back?
because you know he’s gonna ask of that
once he realizes his mistake, his loss
guilt trip you, win you back at all cost
make it seem like it was your fault
but he only regrets that he got caught

you’re attached, your judgement is weak
he cuts you off every time you try to speak
no respect for you, and now you have depression
so many feelings, a false reality sets in
you find a rebound as the perfect remedy
the pain in your heart seems to lessen with company
seeking comfort in someone with no worth to you
because you don’t know how to be alone, do you?
break another heart as part of your healing process
take advantage of the guy who thinks you’re flawless
then mess around, get drunk and it’s all sex
to feel desired, a temporary release of frustration
but now it’s yourself again that you are hating
debating if you could ever trust again
caught in a cycle that feels it will never end
but let’s not pretend, that all is bad
if you never invested, never cared
think of all the happiness you wouldn’t have
the good memories never there
don’t worry, you’ll heal in due time
there’s always another reason for you to shine

I can see it in your eyes
you are emotionally compromised
good woman down, in need of repair
but desiring who hurts you, not the one who cares
loneliness is everything you fear
but each day, someone will always be there

Stone Cold Lover

Oh it just ain’t right…

Baby you took me for granted

Stole my heart and ran with it

You vacated before we could part ways

I’m heartbroken baby, what more can I say

I’m in repair, but woman, I know you don’t care

You come and go as you please

Flaunting that sweet sweet  honey

You just like to tease tease tease

until you bring a man to his knees

 

The town is a talking, rumors everywhere

Said I was a bad bad man…a really bad man

I did no wrong woman, you dealt a bad hand

You cheated my love

You stole my heart

You broke my soul

Left me alone to grow old

 

You were a stone cold lover

Ice veins like no other

You took it all..o you took it all

You were my rise and fall

You a stone cold lover

Yet I loved you like no other

Any Day Now

Any day now I can be gone

Write my last song

Return to where I belong

Disappear without sayin so long

Any day now I can jus fade away

Leave this place without a say

Wishin I had one last chance to pray

Realizing any day could be today

 

The lord can choose to take me at any time

Depart me from this earth without a sign

And that day will be the last time u see me

Last time I look to the mirror, and be able to see me

Thing is I would be lying to say I won’t miss it one bit

We all fabricate the truth but none can say life is all shit

always say good-bye cause I don’t know if I’m going see y’all later

Regardless, heaven or hell, I’m going see some later

We all can be gone any day, whether it’s natural or assisted

So we cant hesitate with life, jus gotta live it

Don’t waste time complaining about the suffering u had

Cause when your times up, that’s gonna be all u had

Each day u wake up can be the last

That day u don’t, your whole life becomes the past

 

It’s hard enough to live with such a tragic thought

But we all know we can’t avoid it

But we can change our course and head in the right direction

Cause every path your life follows is for the soul’s resurrection

Decisions we make determines where we headed

In the glory of the Lord or somewhere beheaded

Don’t fight it, we know u can’t argue with death

So I show love to all friends and family, before I have none left

Been preparing to die since the day of birth

Understanding the value of life and what its worth

Don’t have time to worry when it’s too late

Every second gone is a second added to the date

Where I shall be received

Body in a box, or over the seven seas

Death ends suffering so don’t treat it like a disease

Cause when life becomes too much, we beg for death, fallin to our knees

 

Lord I want to see heaven, but im not ready yet

I want to live life so that I will have no regret

I want to make my dreams a reality

Be a good father and husband when I start a family

Become successful at whatever I attempt

Excel by your graces and make use of my strength

I will not live the life u provided me in vain

Promise to live it up and never put u to shame

I want to depart this earth, just not today

Lord please don’t take me on this day

But when my time comes, whether it’s today or tomorrow

No questions asked I will accept it without any sorrow

But until the day arrives

I will use the lord’s guidance to survive

Any day now I will be gone

But my goodbye will always be in this song

Fool for You

I won’t deceive you and I won’t mislead you

But how can you be happy with the way he treats you

Where we stand depends on where you stand

With your man, is he really part of your future plan?

I won’t push your buttons or lose control

But I fell for you when I dug that hole

To build the foundation of us being friends

Something I don’t ever want to see come to an end

But I pretend that this will be enough

And it’s becoming rough

To play along, as we are singing the same song

The same tune, hoping for change to come soon

And that dreams do come true

But we both know the truth

and we’re both in denial

you don’t know how to leave

and I’ll be waiting for a while

I’m fooling I’m drooling

I’m stumbling, I’m tumbling

I’m tripping, my heart’s skipping

A beat for you, and I had no clue

How I became a fool for you

There’s something there and we both know it

But it’s a conflict of interest so we don’t show it

So what’s the problem, everyone else sees it

We could be so much more, so let’s be it

Believe it, that feeling you’re feeling

So let’s compromise and start dealing

The hands that we were dealt

Cause if we knew how each other felt

We would of already been that

But our time is now, don’t look back

Look forward to the memories we can have

Cause you are so good and I got it bad

And it’s wrong for us not to be right

Together, as perfect lovers

We would be like no others

I’m not pleading, just being real

Give me the chance to steal

Your heart away and keep it safe

You wanna be happy, I know the place

Where we can go, and let it all go

No worries, we’ll take it slow

Whatever it takes to show I’m your man

And I know I wasn’t part of your plan

But let’s not settle and be complacent

Like you, time is precious, so let’s not waste it

I’m no king, but I’ll put you on a throne

Take you home and treat you like a queen

You can have it all, no need to dream

I’m ready to take that step if you’re ready

I know you won’t regret it if you let me

Take you to the next level

Cause to me, you are so special

I know the world can see it

That you are the one I want to be with

One of a kind, so beautiful

I just want to be with you

So let’s strike a match and light this fire

Surrounded by the flame of our burning desire

Helpless Me

I fall when I should rise
this occasion, my demise
I win them all but still feels like I can’t win any
I’m a warrior so I know that I fight plenty
but at the end of it all I still feel so empty
I’m burning out but I have to keep the flame lit
cause without that fire, i can’t do shit
It has to burn for me to get the love I want
but every woman I meet is just another taunt
A desire unfulfilled yet again
another love interest turned friend, another dead end
another friend turned enemy
and the strangers that pretend to be
I’m stubborn and committed to the preoccupied
just waiting for my chance to fly
I cry like everyone else
but I won’t die like everyone else
I’m beside myself, lost and confused
testing the limits of my heart’s abuse

I can’t lose myself so don’t make me feel expendable
I’m stoic, so that I can always remain presentable
I am dependable in any given situation
regardless of the pile of hardships that I’m facing
but because of that I’m expected to be flawless
I exercise free will, therefore I’m seen as lawless
I do whatever it takes to help those I need to
but maybe my problem is the ego that I feed too
thinking helping others will disguise my shortcomings
captain of confidence, but my ship has sunken
an unsolved mystery so my intentions are never known
just longing to feel the comfort of a place I can call home

I go out my way to do the unnecessary
to aid those who see my existence as imaginary
invisible, but relevant when their problems are present
why must we part ways with bitter resentment?
no one is alone when I am in their life
but its me that feels alone every night
despite all of the close bonds I’ve created
nothing lasts, we all become fragmented and faded
memories of when we used to be so much more
but not anymore, my heart is so fucking sore
from all the breaking and healing
now it’s my kindness they are stealing
I exhaust myself being someone else
so that they can always receive their help
but there comes a day when I say no more
turn my back and exit through that door

I can’t stand on my feet with this helpless feeling
my head’s held high, but I’m kneeling
Helpless me, somebody help me
where is my help when I most need it
have no pity, I’m destroyed, but not defeated

Meant to Be

You and I are meant to be

each others darkest moment

you were ashamed to say “we”

my love, you never owned it

you were my reason to cry

I was your reason to lie

our lives were like day and night

For you I really wanted to fight

and you wanted a man willing to fight

but something about us wasn’t right

there was a price of pain to pay for adoring you

I tried, but I could no longer afford you

 

I bragged to the world of your presence, my future wife

only to be humbled knowing I was a secret in your life

no one knew of me and know one had to

wish it was a lie, but no denying it’s factual

I loved you as much as you loved yourself

don’t know if that says much

but my purpose was to be your crutch

we were meant to turn each other upside down

I was there to help you fly, you were there to let me drown

stifle my confidence, destroy my crown

 

I allowed you to be my fall from fame

brought shame to my own name

but I still want the very best for you

still somehow, I find you special

I wish you were happy, I wish you were proud

I wish things could of been different

I was so sure I could of made a difference

but you were the one meant to do so

there is so much about us you still don’t know

we fought a war for each other just to give up at the end

blind to the struggle for one another, no sight for a friend

and for the rest of our time, we’ll remain in a state of pretend

 

We were meant to be more than we bargained for

something more, something less than another regret

pain from the memories we want to forget

the beginning of you is the end of me

full of good thoughts of you that make me feel empty

There was something else to us, but we are nothing more than we were meant to be

 

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