Monthly Archives: July, 2013

If the Old Me Ever Comes Back

growing up, thought being a mystery was cool
no one knew my next move, what I could do
no one knew my past, what I’ve been through
and it made me the coolest kid in school
I always had a dark side
but everyone saw me as the quiet guy
I was perceived as harmless and nice
but was quick to think to harm another life
I was far from perfect
but nobody wanted to see that
I was the perfect example
of how every kid should act

Chorus:

so when I say fuck that
let’s see how they react
when I say fuck you
let’s see what they do
let’s see how they act
if the old me ever comes back

I used to have my darker days
where I prayed before I preyed
on my enemies
but now I pray for those who envy me
I wish well for all who mean well
but that doesn’t mean I won’t go to hell
there’s still work to be done
to repair the damage I’ve done
I use to constantly swear and intimidate
hostile environments, I lived to create
I was always a conflict of interest
thought to be something short of a blessing
I was the right and wrong person to invest in

I set the bar
then I lowered it, to be above it
I’ve come too far
to stress over shit
I learn from the mistakes of others
I don’t have to make them all
so I don’t get high and I remain sober
ignorance will not be my fall
but I take a lot of heat
for being so discrete
for thinking before I act
so how the fuck they want me to act?
reckless and with a complete disregard
of how hard it was to get this far?
I won’t forget where I came from
or who people think I am
but my past is done
and now I am a better man

Misguided Woman

Your voice tells me to fuck you

before you break my heart

because I can’t trust you

you promise we will fall apart

I’m suppose to disarm and disrobe you

cause you want a man who controls you

you’re somewhat unstable

in a way that no one relates to

still so many want to date you

but it’s on your looks alone

but you don’t care, you’re grown

looking for dogs that just want a bone

immature and insecure

and I refuse to deal with that

so please excuse my back

 

You can’t continue to hide it

you are so misguided

your mentality remains the same

as the kid who once played those games

except now you’re a grown woman

with an immature and incomplete plan

 

you know what you want

but you don’t want it right now

cause you just don’t know how

to act your age

how to hold on to a good thing

lonely in your rage

alone in the pages of your diary

independent woman

who can’t make her own decisions

following trends of your friends

but you can’t depend on them

they only pretend to like you

cause you give them what they want

just so they can like you

 

neglect your health

cause you don’t respect yourself

take all the good things

and place it on a shelf

you have the world in front of you

and you don’t know what to do

so you throw it all away

expecting another day

where everything falls into place

failing to realize that in this case

it was all falling in front of your face

 

Voices

He tells you to do this
she tells you to do that
he says to wait on him
he promises to come back

She says that she loves him
but everyone sees she doesn’t
he says he love her
she is his world

They hear voices
not of their own
they hear voices
even when they’re alone

Everyone speaks at the same time
everyone knows what’s on your mind
cause they keep telling you what to do
hoping to be heard, hoping their voice gets through

Their voices define you
every moment, every decision
where is yours?
whose life are you living?

Scarecrow Saga Ch. 1

This scarecrow wears a raincoat
doesn’t brag, doesn’t boast
spends his days on the coast
residing in southern Maryland
where nothing ever goes as planned
walks with his head down to go unnoticed
from the fame he found in showbiz
he works out 5 days a week
but still walks around sluggish and weak
dragging his feet, he doesn’t ever speak
he observes the words of man
hoping it helps him formulate a plan
of where to go
in a world so cold

he hears of the murderers and rapists
and wonders how sick of a world to create this
children indulging in alcohol and drugs
aspiring to be gangsters and thugs
the corruptions and destruction littering the streets
generations of progress dismantled in weeks
the racism and intolerance of and by religion
contradicting a world their God intended in the beginning

The scarecrow weeps for weeks
after realizing the disparity in charity
towards the rich and those who can’t afford to eat
and when he sleeps
he dreams of those who can’t sleep
because they have no shelter, no bed
there is no peace without a place to rest your head
he questions the respect and intellect of the few
that choose to riot and harm others when they lose
why do they loot and steal from their own neighbors?
he thinks, how can humans justify their behavior?

his eyes water, as he watch cities burn
It sickens him, his stomach turns
he leans over and vomits
lifts his head, then he screams his 1st words…”Stop it!”…
TO BE CONTINUED

 

Project RGB Epilogue: The End of Our Era

I wish you well and I wish you hell
for all the pain you put me through
but I try to believe this wasn’t you
that your heart had not yet healed
so I was only a rebound, nothing real
It was my decision to be fully invested
despite you telling me you can’t fully invest yet
so I admit my faults, and take some of the blame
but with your decisions, I hoped you’d do the same
I was patient and believed you were worth the wait
but you showed affection, you didn’t hesitate
you made it clear you wanted me here
but soon pretended like I wasn’t there
everything found a way to matter more than I did
and my frustration, I tried to hide it
to spare you any unnecessary stress
I gave my all, my best
so many good memories
all the moments you shared with me
but it went overshadowed and neglected
and I was left feeling disrespected
I always asked you to tell me to stop
if you needed more space or time
because I wanted you to find
yourself before anything with me
but you said you enjoyed your time with me
I wasn’t perfect, but I was always fair
and if you had really cared
the least you could of done
was say I’m not the one
rather than stringing me along
feeding me lies
never looking in my eyes
you used and manipulated me
but I was selectively blind not to see
I thought we had such a good thing
but once you were ready
you didn’t come to me, you went to him
so let this be our finale, this is our end
Goodbye R.G.B.
farewell former friend

This is the end of our era

22.) Swan Song

I gave you all I had
nothing more left in me
and it was sad to see
I’m not what you were looking for
being the guy that I am
I tried understanding your plan
but you gave me no closure
and I thought maturity came as we got older
but you had no regard for my pain
and it was such a shame
to witness how selfish you’ve become
every good thought of you being undone

After today, you just become a regret
my favorite one, I won’t forget
you are just a memory
to remind myself how you won’t remember me
how irrelevant I was to you
but still wished I got through to you
I invested so much
to get so little
barely felt your touch
my desire for you, a riddle
we never made sense together
but I wanted our elusive moments forever

If I knew this is how we would be leaving
I would have wanted you for all the wrong reasons
try to get inside you like every other guy
but I don’t know why
I saw so much potential
why I saw so much in you
but thank you for the memories
and the lessons learned
for igniting the fight in me
and the way my heart burned
If you ever came back
honestly don’t know how I’d react
I don’t know that I would say “no”
don’t know if I could tell you to “go”
you had such a big part of me
left me feeling so empty
nothing about our collapse made sense
and I was so into you
guess I couldn’t foresee what was so predictable
but you will never tell me the words I want to hear
and it’s time I move on…so goodbye my dear

21.) R.G.B.

I can say I loved you because I know you’ll never read this

every ounce of time with you was our little secret

you will never hear these words because you didn’t want to

had an interest in me, but didn’t want me to want you

I’ve written an album of songs because of you

through the good and the bad, I still find you beautiful

You were the hardest I ever fought for anything in life

a part of me believed that you could be my wife

but I was wrong about us for all that time

I was so much yours, but you were never mine

I was blinded and constantly reminded of your presence

I would of given you the world, shower you in presents

I thought all I had was going to be enough

you were a diamond, but your life was in the rough

and I wanted to be there to make it better

at least I thought we would do so together

 

Seduced by the passion of your kiss

so much about you I miss

I envied all that touched your body

just let me know that, to you, I am somebody

you left me mad, I was a man down

depression sets it knowing you’ll never come around

you made me feel Red, Green, Blue

I was so color blind in love with you

 

It all started when we finally stopped

resisting that feeling and took a shot

I was so consumed by you that I didn’t care

for so long, things between us didn’t seem fair

I made sure you had the best of me

and you took it upon yourself to let me

know I can’t have the best of you

now please, I’m begging, help me forget you

our time has expired, and my heart is past due

I thought we were mature, thought we could manage

but look at us now, so distant, so damaged

I guess you found what you were searching for

because your confidence in me is no more

 

I fought so hard, but you have no clue

of all the pain that you put me through

Every letter I sent that never got a response

All of them, you didn’t think twice to write back once?

All I needed was you in my life for my soul to be satisfied

but all I’m left with are questions and stains from the tears I cried

I tried to get through to you that everything will be ok

to provide your health and protection I prayed

I tried to show you that your life didn’t have to be a battle

but fighting was your forte so consequently you had to

declare war on what you can’t control and then complain

I still remained at your side to share your pain

I told you I could no longer do this alone

so you walked without once picking up the phone

to let me know that we are done

to let me know you always knew I wasn’t the one

found it ok to leave me without closure

to this day, you never told me it was over

but with you, I will always remember

that during all that time, I deserved better

20.) My Resignation (Blue)

I will not be your comfort zone
I will no longer be a 2nd home
when you want somewhere to be
that place will no longer be with me
you let me down in such a destructive way
so full of games that I will not play
for too long I entertained
all the screwed up things in your brain
all of the hypocrisy that I let slide
because it was in me you confide
the lies I told to protect you from yourself
the lengths I went for no one else

the pain that I endured
because you gave me no closure
never told me it was over
left me alone, feeling so wrong
it’s time I resign and move on

I won’t be there by your side
I won’t check if you’re alright
you lost the right, to have the best of me
you don’t even deserve my worst
it was you who abandoned me first
I was always there in your time of need
but not once did you ask about me
never showed interest in how I was doing
left me to find out on my own, I’m not the man you’re pursuing
sabotaged a good thing, left us as a ruin
hurt people, hurt people and I get that
but it’s not like you ever wanted me back
never expressed any remorse
for the course you took with me, your friend
not once did you explain why we reached an end

If you took responsibilities for your actions
I’m sure none of this would have happened
even if things didn’t work out between us
we would still have some sort of trust
some type of bond, someone to lean on
but don’t come to me looking for help
I leave you as you left me, alone, by yourself
you were never there when I needed you
only around if it benefited you
your sincerity has lost all value
I don’t trust a word that comes from you
you stand by your claim of integrity
but your heart is hollow, you’re shallow, you’re empty
and I’ve dealt with your bullshit plenty
now pretend like you never met me
because to me, you are a void in my memory

 

19.) The Letter (Blue)

540 days after we first met, 186 days after we first kissed…

you became an illusion

an idea I should dismiss

your kisses irrelevant

because they no longer represent

who we both thought you were

a different woman from the one I fell for…

 

I care about you more than others could comprehend

I would of fought for you til the very end

I did for you what no one else would

I was the only one to believe you were any good

but this makes no difference to you

so I can no longer pursue

this one sided affair

You’ve shown how little you care

how little you have invested

how ugly you can really be

you were too unstable to mess with

so I place that blame on me

 

So much sacrifice

trying to get it right

our future looked so bright

ironic

a bulb blew as I write about you tonight…

 

there’s not much left to say

as your lack of response

it said more than enough

I wrote you too many times

not to hear one word

you wanted someone to write

and that’s why this hurts

none of this made any sense

but I can no longer expend

time on a false, conditional friend

we have reached the end of our time

I’ve written my final letter…I resign

 

18.) So Easy (Blue)

If I was such a good person
why was it so easy for you to leave me?
was it just because I was so kind to you
you were only nice to please me?

Why was it so easy for you to deceive me?
so easy for you to mislead me?
so easy for you to mistreat me?
greedy for affection, so did you need me?
to feed your ego until you were ready to let go?
Did I make it so easy for you to leave me?

I thought you were someone to depend on
but you showed me that I was so wrong
and I believed you were so strong
but turned out to be so cowardly
so afraid that you would hurt me
that you chose to desert me
without any closure
it was over

It’s so easy for me to say I hate you
but all this pain I know you can relate too
still you did what you did anyway
involved me in the games you play
and it was so easy for me to stay
so easy for you to have my heart
and so easy for us to fall apart
so easy for you to move on after so long
so hard for me to comprehend what went wrong

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