Tag Archives: life

House Collapse/Paradise Lost

So many hours went into securing the foundations
taking the proper steps to ensure stable relations
we moved slow even with open roads ahead
but you moved full speed with the ideas in your head
we used to make light about certain things
but I saw the darkness in you that light brings
we started out as a means to an end
then we turned out to be great friends
but greatness was undone by a terrible trend
you making everything about yourself
the purest of intentions could be for no one else
my actions have to be about you because to me you mean something
or is everything about you because I truly mean nothing
was any of this really time well spent
you’ve always been apprehensive of my intent
you had a high cost, now hearing your name makes me tense
there was a price to pay and now I’m spent

we went from making to becoming history
you targeted our foundation like it was premeditated
like I’ve wronged you in a way that wasn’t communicated
but we’re adults, I thought we’d discuss problems properly
but in your eyes, I’m a thief of your happiness, stole your intellectual property
I don’t get the benefit of the doubt
before the words came out your mouth
false realities bring truth to false prophecies
you succeeded if your goal was to topple me, gain sympathy
but you also did manage to execute an end to us
and I just don’t think you gave a fuck
maybe its not real, that’s just how I feel
my heart’s broken, I don’t know how to heal
there’s a savagery in you I can’t compete with
there’s no proper ending…fuck, I can’t complete this…

 
I am the villain in your eyes
I destroyed your paradise
if only you knew how much I gave to you
how much you meant, how much I would do
I prayed that I would never lose a friend again
but it all falls down
our house still collapsed in the end

I’ve made decisions that jeopardizes our friendship
I’ve been conflicted on how to approach this
its been ridiculous and I’m tired of being the antagonist
I’ve lost a good friend and feel like shit
I’m angry, I’m confused, I’m upset
but I can’t pretend this isn’t a matter of respect
things were said that I won’t forget
I was in a tough place, choosing between the two
but I put family first, choosing her over you
I can apologize for any miscommunication
but I don’t think that remedies our situation
I can apologize for everything
and it doesn’t change anything
cause I’d be the only apologetic one
in matters where I felt no one was wrong
but you felt that I was the only one
I was inconsiderate, I can’t be trusted
well, damn, I could just say fuck it, but…
it doesn’t leave me satisfied
knowing you will never understand why
you’ll never know how much I really valued you
if only you believed anything I said was true
I wish we could of talked face to face
I admit you are someone I can’t replace
I don’t like how far apart we’re getting at this pace
reduced to admiring you from a faraway place

We are a paradise lost, potential untapped
and I don’t know if we can go back
what we once were was real to me
now your absence brings me peace but leaves me empty
I’m in my head and my world is filled with silence
at war with my inaction, so much violence
I don’t know what to make of this inconsequential crisis
waiting to see what time heals when left to its own devices
I just know I’m tired of fighting, I don’t want to do it no more
but I shouldn’t stop you from walking through that door

our house collapsed, our paradise is lost

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Borrow your Heart

I wish I knew how to say goodbye
I want to hug and kiss you, tell you that I’ll miss you
but I got issues and conflicts of interest
cause those actions are not in our best interest
I shouldn’t be missing you the way I do
I shouldn’t be embarrassing myself, actin’ a fool
I know what a need to do but don’t know if I want to do it
ask for my confessions and you’ll get them, true shit
pour out my heart and soul, every secret ready to be told
bleeding out, wounds heal but broken hearts don’t
I should let my love for you lay with the rest, but I won’t
move on like the rest of them, but I can’t, you are the best of them

and I can’t let go of yesterday, not today
not anymore, not when I’m at your door
telling you to leave him and let me in
I can’t start tomorrow drowning in sorrow
so may I borrow your heart for my benefit
time is short and I want to be yours til the end of it

There’s nothing ordinary about our affections
in the past hundred years my loyalties have been in your direction
from my crush to my love to my obsession
I go from zealous to jealous when I see you entertain anyone but us
I know that I’m the right man and you’re my right hand
under the influence of the right circumstances
I can tell you feel what I feel from unashamed glances
if we just did for a moment what we wanted to and took chances
we’d surprise no one because they all know it’s true
that I’m not meant to get over but to be under you

I think I’m making progress then I relapse
my walls, my barriers, my guards all collapse
in your absence I like to think I can hold my own
but as long as your here, I can’t leave you alone
everyone knows that I want you
but they also know that I shouldn’t want to
my services are employed elsewhere
and you have your own staff over there
I entertained you and I in a one night stand
but now I see you as part of my life’s plan
don’t know how we got this far, it shouldn’t of been possible
but I know if you want something, there’s no stopping you
so don’t stop and I’ll know exactly what to do

Season of Dreams

I think we both chose the safe option
so I find myself dreaming often
I stuck to the plan that I once abandoned
you started a family, meaning nothing would happen
thought just maybe
we could of been together
but now you had a baby
and you’ll be gone forever
living your new life
someone’s mom, a new wife
such strife
but what a time for you to be alive

we change just like the seasons
a million dreams filled with reasons
that come and go long before we know
life moves so fast, but catching up is slow
in what season do you dream
are those dreams yet to be seen

maybe I was just hoping for a fling
we didn’t really have to be a thing
just wanted to taste your perfection
then let you freely use me, a means to no end
discard me, toss me to the side
I think the attraction had always been physical
we had nothing in common emotional or spiritual
but I wanted to be your god for a night
you could of been the best night of my life
we could of done it…right?
If I were a little more aggressive
a little less love-sick
stuck with someone who doesn’t want me
got me asking how could companionship be so lonely?
In a different place, in a different time
if I only acted out my dreams instead of treating them like crimes
we could of been once in a lifetime

I know I said a fling was all I need huh
but I finally let go of the bullshit I feed on
and saw all that you had to offer
a little too late because now you have your daughter
beautiful like her mother with a supportive husband and father
everything I should of been if only I knew how to be it
but while your life blossomed, mine retreated
you worked for everything you have, I cheated
times changed, our lives changed with the times
but I was unable to keep up with mine
if I feel that something is absent in my life
I won’t pretend it isn’t you that made me feel alive

Days We’ve Never Lived

you don’t dress to impress
but you always impress me
you have my eyes, you have my attention
my heart is always in your direction
I can’t escape the scent of your suggestion
I’m terrible at pretending
this feeling is never-ending
unaware of the signals I’m sending
humbled is my obsession for your attention
when I remember I’m not the one you call for
I’m not the type you would fall for

you got me taking risks
dreaming of days we’ve never lived, but still miss
that’s when we connected the most
that’s when we are undeniably close
if it were up to me
that would be our reality

what would you give up for me?
I know you can sense our chemistry
loving, supporting you with endless care
you are more than a job, you are my career
you tell me all the things you shouldn’t
thinking I wouldn’t want to act on them
you can go from fantasy to best friend
I want to love you full time
see what results from our unstable chemistry
but we know its elementary, simple in principle
clashing over our mutual attraction
hoping that one day something happens

I know once upon a time
I wanted to be yours, you wanted to be mine
an infatuation lost with time, but lingering is still a taste
no second thoughts to what we should of done in the first place
my biggest regret is not taking that leap of faith then and there
the time we spent together not caring when or where
the nights that could of lasted forever
what would we have created if we stayed the course?
but we extinguished our flame before it became a force
but even now embers of us still remain
our actions may now be, but our hearts still aren’t tamed

Jungle Gym

the world is my playground, I toy with it
give me power and I’ll eat it, cause I’m power hungry
I’m the best at what I do
I know you think you something with your girl, acting brand new
without any effort, I’m taking better care of her than you
life becomes effortless when you are your best
no hesitation proving that to the rest
I set goals and attack them with elite precision
every decision I make is the best decision
so many people out there always testing me
but they can’t get a taste of my recipe
they can’t comprehend my alchemy
and I know what is best for me
I’m going to do what’s best for me
any imitators can settle being less than me

I pray every way I go is the right way
obstacles are just child’s play
til my dying day, I’m always gonna find a way
I’m the king, and all I know is how to win
this world is my play thing, my jungle gym

I don’t play games, I just take names
so I can hand out consolation prizes
no surprises, I always perform at the highest
it’s the only thing I know how to do
and if I lose, it’s because I choose to
I don’t care who you are, I won’t lose to you
I’m always on another level that can’t even be seen
I’m sorry, you even lose to me in your dream
and I know that’s not fair, but should I care?
no competition since you can’t win without my permission
your life goals I accomplish in my sleep
but outside of competition I’m humble and meek
carefully chosen are the words I speak
so every promise, claim, bet, is absolutely deliberate

I slow down so that life has a chance to catch up
it taps out when I’ve given it enough
non-confrontational but I still don’t hide
I don’t back down, I don’t bide
my footsteps are too big for you to walk in
so don’t waste my time with all that gully talk
cause you have no idea of the storm you taunt tonight
I’m a new level of dominance that would haunt you for life
hang it up now and I promise to be polite
I have a reputation for being a man of my word
so if I say I already won, its the greatest truth you’ve heard
no hesitation, life is lived with an ounce of desperation
everything I do is consequential
carefully thought through, success is sequential
I know my strengths and weaknesses
can’t keep up, I can imagine how bleak this is
if it’s not for me, then I simply don’t do it
I don’t compromise, but you make sure the shoe fits
that’s the difference between me and you
the difference between win and lose

Never Satisfied

I rise early with a mind full of thoughts
contemplating every decision I’ve ever made
every dollar spent, every penny saved
I should be rested, but I’m so tired
so restless from the chaos my mind conspires
tormented because I’ll never be satisfied
yet unimpressed by the thought of a perfect life
I feel the knife piercing the back of my head
when I lay down, I feel the weight of lead
the weight of the world on my shoulders
I close my eyes embracing the thought of it being over
there is so much to desire, fantasies so sublime
I want it all, all at once, or just over time
I can never make up my damn mind

I can’t be sure if she’ll ever be mine
I can’t be sure if I’ll have enough time
to live the life I want to live
cause I’ll never be satisfied knowing there’s more
I’m never satisfied just being alive

I apply logic to every decision I make
a rational approach to every action I take
not a man to live spur of the moment
there’s always a plan, premeditated, and I own it
but if spontaneity weighs on me
I know how to let go and be free
but that’s just not me on a daily basis
time creates opportunity, and I won’t waste it
there’s is always something on my mind
always seeking answers with the mentality seek and you shall find
I’m a know it all that still doesn’t know enough
the life of the party, but not entertaining enough
but nothing is enough, even when I have too much

I’m on a quest for more, my mind is never satisfied
a taste and hunger for more, insatiable appetite
I think I know what I want, but I’m not really sure
cause when I have it, I still want something more
and there is always something about the greener grass
I love everything that I have, but I also love her ass
I don’t want to own, yet I’m saving for a home
I want no debt, yet I date the queen of student loans
I make sense to myself, but to no one else
I’m selfish with everyone, but myself
I know what I want, but then I don’t
I know what I want, but I’m not really sure
I won’t be indecisive anymore
or will I?
I can’t be sure

Glass Elevator

You can see my rise and my fall
my affairs, a window that bares it all
my ascend and decline
you see what could be yours and try to take mine
just because my life is on full display
I see beyond the stars, no telescope
people have me under a microscope
waiting for the moment I choke
even being humble and accepting my flaws
they still want to strip me down of it all
everything I work for, everything I hurt for
I give it all and they still want more

there are those that wish me success
want to see me at my best
and then there are the rest
the ones that you least likely expect
friendships become more than friendly rivalries
they drown in the river of jealousy
and proclaim themselves my enemy
my greatest accomplishment are the bonds I’m able to form
the people I can count on to keep my interpretation of this world warm
I’ve been climbing from darkness since I was born
and the closer I get to finding my way out
the inconsistencies often fill me with doubt
sometimes it feels better to hide
being seen, not being seen
what do you do when neither feels right?

I don’t fear judgement, but I know it’s there
I feel the pressure, I feel their stares
I live in a glass elevator with mirrors reflecting back
but no one sees them-self, they just see the cracks

I’m an open book still judged by its cover
an innate ability to relate to another
I’ve built myself from the ground up as rubble
but I’m told I could never understand
I would never feel the pain of another man
because I don’t have qualifying struggles
I see a part of me in every friend, every enemy
I see their reflection, I feel their pain
I give a damn, even if I don’t know their name
but how many casting stones can say the same

The One

I’m not a tyrant, I’m just disciplined
when something needs to be done, I’m the one
if I need to be somewhere, I’ll be there
on time and in my right mind
I’m a champion of self control
and a supporter of common sense
no indecision, no on the fence
I know what I want, but I have restraint
while others stupidity can’t be contained
my head remains subjectively sane
responsibility is in my nature
my morals and values don’t waiver

Everyone’s chasing a dream life
I’m staking the real thing
when everyone’s going for the win
I know that I’ve already won
I know that I’m the one…
the one I have to answer to
the one I pander to
the one I know I have to be
but not for anyone but me

If I’m moving forward, it’s the right direction
two steps back, decisive re-evaluation
deliberate hesitation to analyze the situation
if something is to be gained, it’s mine for the taking
I’ve made numerous mistakes, if I’m not mistaken
my heart beats, but it feels stone cold
I give and take what I need to reach my goal
I’m not a failure even if I don’t succeed
life lets me down, but still gives me what I need
I live beyond a day at a time
a see a future that I want to be mine
not a sense of entitlement, but a sense of purpose
hearing the term worthless could not be worth any less
because idiots can always compound words
but if I don’t listen, they never have to be heard

I have no bucket list, I will be content with the life I live
whether I see the world or just the universe
I know I did what I wanted, I lived
and I won’t do it all, but life could be worse
I’m a champion for not caving to the pressure
I tell myself “don’t be someone else for someone else
unless for you, that person brings out your best self”
I’m my own definition of a self improvement project
I can always learn more, do more, but what for?
I’m not an advocate for perfection, but resurrection
reinvention within the realm of my own imagination
I can and will live my life the way I intend it
even if I chose to amend it
I live for my own reasons, and will never resent it

No Win, Just Lose

you bring the drugs you sell into our home
I should let you be on your own
what if something happens when our daughter’s home
and the people you deal with didn’t like the hand they were dealt
pay you a visit at our home to show you how they really felt
would it really be worth all the profit you made
if you lose the people you were meant to save
you bring an inevitable danger into our home
and pretend that it affects you and you alone
family is suppose to look out for each other’s best interest
but your interest is in maintaining your business

 

I’m suppose to be ok with the company you keep
because to you, they are family, so to speak
and I should want to be guilty by association
without any consideration, there is no negotiation
it’s either I’m in or I’m not
but no matter what it brings, you won’t stop
you already suffered the consequence of their recklessness
and you still think whatever happens is for the best
they taught you how to abuse and use people
and think its ok because it’s not them but you who chose to
sure you pulled the trigger, but who taught you how to load the gun
then handed it to you and showed you where to point it
gave you permission to treat people like shit, my point is

 

In this business there is no win, just lose
watch loyalty to the family you choose
they got your back for as long as they claim you
but they’ll put you down if they can’t tame you

 

How much of your past is influenced by their presence
the evolution of your morals shaped by their lessons
a complete disregard of all the scars left on others
but none of it matters, because these are your brothers
the impact they have on society carries no weight in your eyes
because you will never see the tears their victims’ mothers cries
you won’t witness the blood in the streets where bodies lie
but you’re loyal to a fault, look the other way to avoid cutting ties
knowingly ignorant, pretending to be oblivious
when is enough, enough
you got a double standard for fam with no standards
you wan’t the world to be a better place
but it won’t until you accept the reality you face

The Best Part of Me

she is the best part of me
my best friend, on bad days my worst enemy
that I will always love and appreciate
if we can’t agree, we negotiate
cause we shouldn’t go to bed angry
and if we do, I go to sleep mad at me
we come apart just to come back together
entangled in love, feeling closer than ever
the moments pass, but she is forever
the fire fades, the storm passes, but our love, never

we believe differently, but as long as she believes in me
we keep going,
reaping benefits from the seeds we’re sowing
we go from suppressed to expressive
but a resolution is never neglected
we conclude that we both will be respected
and we piece together two versions of the same story
and for having each other, we give Him the glory
we climb and we fall, then we tear down those walls
there’s no pressure, but a desire to be better
for the one I promise to love forever
cause she’s my queen and we reign supreme together

we learn and grow as a result of one another
consequence of our actions, memories everlasting
satisfaction comes in a variety of forms
and now my once cold thoughts are warm
perspective changes loving someone else
it will always be her before myself
her happiness and health
our love, the infinite supply of wealth
and I’ll be soaking it all up
because there is no such thing as too much

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