676 to O25 (The Kid who grew up too fast)

I take it back, way way way back
when I used to rock the over-sized backpack
catch the cheese bus, feeling like sardines in a can
cause that shit was packed
neighborhood overflowing, there was no getting out
like man where you going, this ain’t your route
fighting for seats like it’s a hot commodity
I fucked with no one that could body me
but I had bouncers in my posse
we all kids, but we knew a thing or two about loyalty
who to trust, who to distrust, who you sit next to on the bus
from the most trivial superficial shit
to the raw truths only hood cats spit
a product of my environment or a contrast of it
what’s a quiet a kid to know of this

it’s just a way of life
another day alive
676 to O25
school and back
from the streets of the trap
we live to survive
it’s just our way of life

sharing the bathtub with roaches, to motels on our counter-tops
sleeping with eyes tight anticipating the sound of the next gunshot
imagination dictated by the sound of sirens
wondering what crime was committed against my friend
stayed behind the gates like prison, to avoid being convicted
follow the crowd to fit in, or succeed, I’m conflicted
dynamics have shifted
opportunities were never there, so how could we of missed it
grow up realizing background creates a different reality
everything I had seen wasn’t meant for me
sometimes the happiness of others left you feeling so empty
life was packaged differently than advertised on TV
makes me wonder, what the fuck is the American dream
when America isn’t on your team

 
it was the best life I knew and what I was used to
so how do you do better than the best you know
when there’s a gap in your heart the size of a bullet hole
a child’s imagination shouldn’t be trivialized
but there were times I couldn’t believe my eyes
when you make it somewhere better
it’s hard not to want to forget forever
but how can I neglect and sever
the only people and home I’ve ever known
we’re so far apart now, look at the ways we’ve grown
Not to be defined by the place, but it’s the reality we faced
what’s to appreciate if we forget where we’re from
I live on, I live long, knowing I am from where I no longer belong

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Tiptoe (The Self Aware)

are you a good person?
I ask myself that question more often than I should
yet to have a clear answer, always up to no good
my actions speak louder than my words
but my thoughts murder all my verbs
nothing is pure, my cries for help remain unheard
my mind goes in circles, that’s the way it works
waking up at 3am, most vivid thoughts happen in darkness
I create trouble for myself, I can’t help my starkness
life has been easy, but you would think I want it harder
want to die struggling, be some type of martyr

I tiptoe around the stage like a ballerina
confronting life on an uneven playing field
waiting for my demons to hash a deal
my soul is available to steal
take the good with the bad, strike a match
I light the darkness I create, I’m quite the catch

a give and take relationship
until I give them a reason to quit
no second chances, life is what is seen in glances
and the 1st is the same as my last
I have made mistakes, no one forgives my past
and no one needs to, I made my decisions
I made my bed, laid my head, I’ve built my own prison
I obsess over doing the right thing like its unnatural
I seek justice no matter what the collateral
boundaries have always been a gray area
in a life that is gray scale, my morals are monochromatic
I can’t help the way I am, I live life for the dramatics

Empathy is a foreign concept, I’m no nonsense
when afflictions are brought on by self-indulgence
excuses end where they begin
but that’s why no one let’s me in
the toxic combination of stoic and sarcastic
I am so against the grain, I’m Iconoclastic
what do I believe in, everything or nothing
I believe in myself, that must count for something
I wish I could connect to my brothers
earn the respect and acknowledgement of others
but I live on an island, one made for no man
I know I’m broken, but here I stand
take you shots, knock me down
build me back up from the ground
cast stones in my glass home, let in light
shatter the illusions and let me fly tonight

Humble Ambitions (The Reformed Recluse)

I’ve been holding back tears for months now, maybe years
so many fears I’ve tasted, but I’m afraid to face it
keep it all bottled up pretending not to give a fuck
but I give a fuck, just my luck
I’m stuck in the places I said I would never find myself
cowering in the darkness, afraid to face the light
I saw it all coming, did nothing with that foresight
I knew it would all come back on me, so I put the blame on me
my not so evil deeds have garnered me some enemies
but the greatest one of all is me
I want to succeed, make a name for myself
but not succumb to greed like everyone else
then I look in a mirror and see how helpless I’ve become
but there’s still potential and I can see the job ain’t done

 
All I have are my demons, they remind me of who I am
who I was suppose to be with my poorly executed plan
tame your demons and they will cease
I’ve tamed mine, yet I still have no peace
but an insatiable hunger, always ready to feast
humble ambitions are part of God’s plan
if I’m me, then I’m the right man
the right place is wherever I stand
if I can, then I will
executing life, I’m going for the kill

Not submissive, but non confrontational
guess my drive is a bit situational
I can be motivated one moment but not the next
be on top of the world and still not flex
but then be down and out and still find something to brag out
I want to do big things but this world won’t allow me to
I just have to take it, tuck my head and push through
takes a certain amount of confidence
it takes the right amount of arrogance
to overcome the right amount of self-doubt
something that I could do without
a hindrance to make something of myself
instead of wasting time thinking about everyone else

Honor my wife by being ambitious
my dreams are sacred no time to be sacrilegious
honor my mother by living the life she gave me
paving a better path for my baby
live up to my father by working harder
harder than I need to
without losing sight of the window
whether I’m on the outside looking in
or inside looking out thinking this is what life’s about
sometimes failure feels so damn loud
but I hope to make myself proud

In Silence, They Creep (The Billionaire)

I used to try so hard to mean something to someone
then pretend I need love from no one
cause life goes on. I was so wrong
pretending to be strong, a one man army
come off as intimidating, but so easy to disarm me
wanted to stand out, I want them to want to hang out
wanted to be among the admired before my life expired
be the topic of discussion without the negative repercussions
sometimes I contemplate the negative will at least get me noticed
I try not to think about it, find an outlet on which to focus
but when I hear about all the attention someone else gets
I lose myself and forget, what makes me so different than them
less deserving. I give more, but get less in the end
I’m never without, but still searching for a friend

 
I’m insecure, I’m not sure
I’m a ten minus four
my life is rich but I feel so poor
I want more
I feel so beneath the surface
I don’t know, what’s my purpose?

 
My insecurities speak to me profoundly
in silence, they creep in without me noticing
jealousy is alive and well, I can see it in my eyes
my reflection is not the best representation of me
it tells lies
when will I be satisfied? when will the envy die
inside, something within me cries to be released
confessions that would destroy my life yet bring me peace
do I let them all out for the five minutes of fame
or do they die with me to preserve my name

 
where do I fit in, in the lives I want to be in
what is enough, when they begin to call my bluff
I tough it out while trying to figure out what I’m without
I have doubts, sometimes it’s all just too much
I speed to get close but what’s the rush
experiencing the life of jealousy due to a lack of perspective
my ego chauffeurs envy around, unchecked, neglected
false sense of confidence is basically armor made of glass
apprehensive of the future but still insecurity still lingers from the past
the silent killer, it tears you apart from the inside
they creep with no end in sight
til I face them, there’s no where left to hide

Temporary, Relationships (The Inconclusive Lover)

Damn, I remember how much I cared about you
so many years have passed and you never knew
you talked to me first cause I didn’t remember you
but how could I forget I went to school with you
and damn, you were always so beautiful
I remember how offended you were
when I said I didn’t know who you were
but you had every right to feel that way
you’re worth the memories of any given day
we had some kind of chemistry
but we met because of geography

why are we so temporary,
relationships become so binary
we could of been the exception
except we had no exemption
our potential remain neglected
you remain unaffected
our hearts were so abusive
to leave us inconclusive

you cried for me when I had to leave
but you never showed me that grief
I never heard from you since that day
I didn’t know why it had to be that way
I still don’t know why to this day
we were cool, we were close
or maybe I was just doing the most
but at the least I was worth those tears
so why haven’t I heard from you in all those years
guess that’s just life sometimes
It doesn’t make sense, just about all the time

I liked you too fast, too soon
I didn’t know what I was doing
or what to do with someone like you
you were enticing and exciting
maybe our paths were dividing
it was all a bit intimidating
spent so much time contemplating
do I go this way or that way
how do I know if you feel the same way
you made forgettable days, memorable
but sometimes I think I’m forgettable
now I wonder if you remember me
or was I a short term memory

Wrong from the Start (The Complacent)

we suppose to be together forever
like shit gonna change for the better
as life becomes more difficult to cope with
all people want to give you is that hope shit
but reality strikes a different cord, blinding like lightning
even when we can’t afford to be fighting
the outcome of every situation is frightening
not because something drastic happens
but rather it’s the same issues that we’ve been lapping
running laps around the truth as it stares us down
knowing round after round I’m outmatched pound for pound
the peaks are few and far in between
outside of your touch, the benefits are yet to be seen
I’m suppose to deceive myself each day to love harder
but I’m becoming detached, heart doesn’t grow fonder, just further

 
We’re miles apart when happiness embarks
maybe we were just wrong from the start
we should of heeded the signs of the time
without each other, we would of been just fine

 
all the promise in the world, I’m calling bullshit
we love, we fuck, we fight, thrown into a jealous fit
realizing someone else is better, this is it, can I just fucking quit
she suits you so much better, not a single hem loose
I said I’d love you forever, and I do, but she will too
so much energy that goes into it, I’m expended
with nothing to show for it, my belief is suspended
I’m discouraged, depressed, when can I put it all to rest
is it worth the stress, the torture of wanting more and settling for less
our love is anemic, pumping iron but still not pressed
I mean it, no telling me that I should consider myself blessed
I’ve seen it, the highs and the lows 0 to 100, I failed then aced the test
you don’t know the internal struggle dealing with the external
to do what I need to will only bring about an inferno
resentment from family and friends who think they know best
but they know nothing meaningful, keep it all close to my chest
the warning signs were always there, but we pretend not to care
it all makes sense until it doesn’t. I love you, but I’m in love no more I fear

 
navigating the conflicting nature of human behavior
he needs me, but I am no one’s savior
compatibility is a reality, something I’m just now starting to face
if only we didn’t lose sight of ourselves, but that was not the case
for some reason we thought we were a match
maybe on some levels, but our plan for the future was half hatched
our goals, superficial and immature, as undeveloped as embryos
there’s no depth, no progress, no success, we should of aborted a while ago
but I stay complacent, reliving the same scenario

Out of Bounds (The Unsatisfied Man)

it took all of 1 day to know its real
to confirm everything I’ve felt in past years, this is how I feel
I’ll never be able to fully love my wife
not because I don’t want to, but because she is in my life
and I love her more
I think a mind is better than a body or a face
and there’s a difficult reality I must face
she has something I want and that’s to be mentally stimulated
from 2 different worlds but our bond assimilated
the thought of what could never happen leaves me agitated
cause damn, we related, and if we tried, we would of made it
I’m not looking for someone new or to be replaced
but sometimes you find things that seem to be out of place
which is where my heart resides, a truth that leaves such a bitter taste
truth is I don’t mind it as much as I should, I’m conflicted
I made a vow, I owe this to her, I owe this to myself
should of had enough foresight to know life could take me somewhere else
but the love is real, it’s been there, remained there, but I still fear…
knowing there’s still someone else, I’ll never be satisfied til I live another life

I love my life, I love my wife, but I love his wife
I think about her day and night
I want her to ruin my life, it could be nice
my thoughts are out of bounds, out of mind, but she’s always on mine
she’ll never be mine, but what does that change
my heart is still out of range, things will never be the same

I spent time contemplating my options like I really have any
I’m stuck, life is on a loop, but this is my own doing
you never know what life throws at you in the future you’re pursuing
but sometimes you have to live in the moment
even when it doesn’t agree with you, you own it
like meeting the love of your life after you marry your wife
what matters more, loving yourself enough to acknowledge this truth
or loving your wife enough to bury it
life is long and I’m still in my youth, so there’s a lifetime to go
how can we say anything we want is wrong, I don’t know
there’s something so tragic about it all, reality is a liability
I can keep a secret but some truths have no deniability
and whether I express it or not, eventually it’ll be easy to see
she is a big part of my life, but somebody else completes me