The Man at the Party With No Voice

I’m out of my setting, this is not my element
the excuses I’m getting are becoming irrelevant
feels like there are people everywhere
but I still feel like the only one here
I feel like no one hears me
like the only words I speak are heresy
they won’t even stare at me
I shy away and all my senses become mute
on the outside looking in
like I’m on an island or prison
what kind of life am I living
so much self reflection, I’m looking through a prism
but just to fit in, I’m not willing to give in

 

I reassure anyone who walks my way that I’m fine
but I’m miserable, I’m no good at this, I’m terrible
am I the only man at the party without a voice?
what freewill allowed me to make this choice?
I want to close my eyes and cry on a shoulder
open them in a safe space, is it all over?

 

I talk a lot to those who know me
but chances are you don’t know me
but there’s a lot to be said if you listen closely
I hug the walls so that they don’t fall
cause everything around me seems to crumble
through the challenges, I don’t fall, just stumble
look back at the devil on my shoulder and smirk
you can’t hurt one who has no room to be hurt
my back to the corner, observing my surroundings
watching as the chimneys start drowning
indulging in the liquor, invincible from the coke
I remain invisible in a cloud of smoke
I don’t know how to engage conversation
I don’t find myself to be that entertaining
coming off as a judgmental boor
knowing in the right place, right time, I can be so much more

 

It’s a bit overwhelming trying to fit in
when I have no intention to sit and listen
nonsense is all I hear from all sides
the fabrications of the stories, all lies
I see with my own eyes how low we go
just to impress all the people we don’t know
I can’t do it, even if I wanted to
I uneasy, I’m uncomfortable
wish I could work up the courage to word vomit
to say something, anything from my head
if only I could get out of my head
get out of my mind before I’m out of time
I live inside my head, playing out interactions
my conversation is mute because of inaction
I am absent from parties even if it’s mine
will there ever be the day when it’s my time to shine

Sincerely, Me

I apologize for all my mistakes

sometimes it’s hard for me to relate

it seems like I lack empathy

so it might explain those resenting me

but my heart isn’t empty

I know that I care

how could I ever inspire fear

when in times of need, I’m always there

but maybe it’s me that’s the problem

if that’s the case, how could I ever solve them

just got to admit to myself

that I’ve failed someone else

I’m imperfect and I know that

but maybe it’s time I show that

 

I speak on all the heart breaks

but little on the one’s I’ve broken

everyone hesitates to be open

the disappointment in me never spoken

my obsession with time

the overactive mind

holding on to pause and rewind

replaying failures in the past

making sure those memories last

just to keep the pain fresh

allowing my decisions to follow me in death

 

I’m a serious commitment

to my life and everything in it

and I can admit it

that it’s tough to be in

I seem to take it too serious

scaring away those who are curious

causing all kinds of stress

cause I’m always seeking the best

worried about becoming complacent

resulting in so many opportunities wasted

but hopefully one day I’ll learn

until then, its my turn to apologize

so I apologize

for all the pain and the lies

for all the disappointment and shame

and all the wrong that remains

 

if you can forgive me

and see within me

any ounce of good

and if you could

just hear me out

and see what I’m about

you see, that every word I speak

is sincerely, me

 

If the Old Me Ever Comes Back

growing up, thought being a mystery was cool
no one knew my next move, what I could do
no one knew my past, what I’ve been through
and it made me the coolest kid in school
I always had a dark side
but everyone saw me as the quiet guy
I was perceived as harmless and nice
but was quick to think to harm another life
I was far from perfect
but nobody wanted to see that
I was the perfect example
of how every kid should act

Chorus:

so when I say fuck that
let’s see how they react
when I say fuck you
let’s see what they do
let’s see how they act
if the old me ever comes back

I used to have my darker days
where I prayed before I preyed
on my enemies
but now I pray for those who envy me
I wish well for all who mean well
but that doesn’t mean I won’t go to hell
there’s still work to be done
to repair the damage I’ve done
I use to constantly swear and intimidate
hostile environments, I lived to create
I was always a conflict of interest
thought to be something short of a blessing
I was the right and wrong person to invest in

I set the bar
then I lowered it, to be above it
I’ve come too far
to stress over shit
I learn from the mistakes of others
I don’t have to make them all
so I don’t get high and I remain sober
ignorance will not be my fall
but I take a lot of heat
for being so discrete
for thinking before I act
so how the fuck they want me to act?
reckless and with a complete disregard
of how hard it was to get this far?
I won’t forget where I came from
or who people think I am
but my past is done
and now I am a better man

Karma

everyone’s always talking about karma
this and that
it’s coming for you
so watch your back
but what happens when it comes there way
they whine and cry and pray
not understanding
why this is happening
oblivious to the wrong they do
the pain they put others through

They get what they got coming
then their mind starts running
a little too late
to correct the mistakes they made
carry the burden of regret
but no sympathy from karma
you get what you get

what goes around
comes around
A lesson constantly unlearned
until life takes a turn
in a direction they don’t want to go in
then the complaining begins
and then the canary sings…
“I am a good person”
“why is this happening to me?”
“I don’t deserve this”
but of course they can’t see
that they are so selfish
so filled with greed

life is a balance of give and take
but make no mistake
the time will come
where everything you’ve done
catches up with you
karma is nothing more from the beginning
than a reflection of your lifestyle and decisions

Prison Walls

So much to hide

a prison for my secrets

but I leave the gate unlocked

hoping they can be discovered

and the truths uncovered

so I don’t have to bare the burden alone

so I can have a place to call home

a place where I belong

with those that want to understand

who, what, and where I am

and how it all began

 

A feeling of entrapment

shrouded in a darkness I create

to disguise every mistake I make

I’m flawed, I’m like you

allow me to be human too

I’ve earned the right to be imperfect

so seek a truth that will be worth it

understand the man behind those walls

endure my story, my rise and fall

 

Mirror Me

I look in your eyes and see how much you resent me
giving that lost gaze that makes me feel empty
a weakened version of the Lord’s reflection
losing my way and begging for direction
I know who I am and that’s the price I pay
been on my own path for so long, to this world I’m a stray
I am not them, the stereotypical demographic
I cannot win, repeating my own bad habits
never seeing my true face, so how can I face myself?
living in disgrace from the lies I tell
to protect those that I feel are less accountable
just to hear the words, “we count on you”
I was a role model, before they really knew me
and now its their hate that fuels me
you see me as a vacant and hollow shell
void of emotion and destined for hell

you don’t need a mirror to see me
there is no choice but for you to be me
trapped being your counterpart for eternity
release and free me, your failures don’t concern me
I don’t need this, it’s you who yearns to be me
I’m not at fault for you feeling so empty
I am the true self, no one else is you
no one sees the real me but you
I’m your shadow, I’m your reflection
I’m what’s missing when you’re lost of direction
I’m voicing your thoughts, when I speak, you listen
not poison to your heart, just a victim in your prison
your un-doing will be the day that I’m done
you know you only exist because I exist
now tell me that ignorance isn’t bliss
the defeat you are never willing to accept
making calculated moves to have no regrets
your obsession with time is an obsession of mine
I am the reason you don’t swear, the reason you don’t care
but do it all for them at the same time
please their heart, but fuck with their mind
you are everything that I want you to be
and I am all those things because you are me

There is always room to improve who I am
but that doesn’t mean I’m anything short of a good man
it’s right to say I am you and you are me
but understand, I am the man that I want to be
I make my decisions well aware of the consequences
I’m don’t bow down to obstacles, I climb the tall fences
Look in my eyes, challenge me to what you choose
if I don’t accept it, it’s not because I’m afraid to lose
Only to the Lord and myself do I ever have something to prove
my life is not something to play with, to me its not a game
I’ve seen too much in myself, haunted by the persistent pain
I am my harshest critic, so before you judge me, take a ticket
wait in line til it’s your time to experience the curse that I’m blessed with
they think of me as a monster, maybe it’s my reflection that’s aggressive
but I’m a beast in my own right, so the pureness in my heart is not to be tested
I am who I am and everything you want me to be, your sins reflected

mirror me and see what I see
walk in my shoes, stand beside me
do as I do, share my pain
face your reflection and never look at me the same