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House Collapse/Paradise Lost

So many hours went into securing the foundations
taking the proper steps to ensure stable relations
we moved slow even with open roads ahead
but you moved full speed with the ideas in your head
we used to make light about certain things
but I saw the darkness in you that light brings
we started out as a means to an end
then we turned out to be great friends
but greatness was undone by a terrible trend
you making everything about yourself
the purest of intentions could be for no one else
my actions have to be about you because to me you mean something
or is everything about you because I truly mean nothing
was any of this really time well spent
you’ve always been apprehensive of my intent
you had a high cost, now hearing your name makes me tense
there was a price to pay and now I’m spent

we went from making to becoming history
you targeted our foundation like it was premeditated
like I’ve wronged you in a way that wasn’t communicated
but we’re adults, I thought we’d discuss problems properly
but in your eyes, I’m a thief of your happiness, stole your intellectual property
I don’t get the benefit of the doubt
before the words came out your mouth
false realities bring truth to false prophecies
you succeeded if your goal was to topple me, gain sympathy
but you also did manage to execute an end to us
and I just don’t think you gave a fuck
maybe its not real, that’s just how I feel
my heart’s broken, I don’t know how to heal
there’s a savagery in you I can’t compete with
there’s no proper ending…fuck, I can’t complete this…

I am the villain in your eyes
I destroyed your paradise
if only you knew how much I gave to you
how much you meant, how much I would do
I prayed that I would never lose a friend again
but it all falls down
our house still collapsed in the end

I’ve made decisions that jeopardizes our friendship
I’ve been conflicted on how to approach this
its been ridiculous and I’m tired of being the antagonist
I’ve lost a good friend and feel like shit
I’m angry, I’m confused, I’m upset
but I can’t pretend this isn’t a matter of respect
things were said that I won’t forget
I was in a tough place, choosing between the two
but I put family first, choosing her over you
I can apologize for any miscommunication
but I don’t think that remedies our situation
I can apologize for everything
and it doesn’t change anything
cause I’d be the only apologetic one
in matters where I felt no one was wrong
but you felt that I was the only one
I was inconsiderate, I can’t be trusted
well, damn, I could just say fuck it, but…
it doesn’t leave me satisfied
knowing you will never understand why
you’ll never know how much I really valued you
if only you believed anything I said was true
I wish we could of talked face to face
I admit you are someone I can’t replace
I don’t like how far apart we’re getting at this pace
reduced to admiring you from a faraway place

We are a paradise lost, potential untapped
and I don’t know if we can go back
what we once were was real to me
now your absence brings me peace but leaves me empty
I’m in my head and my world is filled with silence
at war with my inaction, so much violence
I don’t know what to make of this inconsequential crisis
waiting to see what time heals when left to its own devices
I just know I’m tired of fighting, I don’t want to do it no more
but I shouldn’t stop you from walking through that door

our house collapsed, our paradise is lost


What Was Said

we used to be good friends
and we had a good thing
I thought you had let me in
I hate that we end, but love is where we begin
impressed by your impressions
your eyes, your smile, your dimples
added complexity to a life too simple
your mind complimented mine
not that you knew how to receive a compliment of mine
but its the little things that made the difference
and differences are what brought about our end
if only you knew, to me, I’m losing a best friend

how do we come back from what was said
I’ve made my peace, you’ve made your bed
we said what was said and sometimes we can take it back
what was said went a little too far
what was said showed us who we really are
we said what was said, and then we were off track
derailed for good, some things we can’t take back

I let so few people in my circle
I know I may of been hard work for you
I thought there was a mutual understanding
that we’re together no matter what happens
we were having such a good run
too many memories to discount all the fun
I became addicted to your personality
we were comfortable, you did away with the formality
we were filled with natural chemistry
signaling everything that was meant to be
I can’t tell where it all went wrong
and I’m still figuring out how to move on
but I know this will be our swan song

I wish things could of been different in the end
I wish you were still my friend
I can tell you that so much will change
now that you are so far out of range
I personally thought you made my life better
but relationships can change like the weather
you switched on me like we had no history
and now I wonder if you’re ever missing me
but I know the bigger picture isn’t about you, it’s about me
I made a decision out of self respect
there was a line and it crossed into disrespect
people used to warn me, beware
but I always thought the love would be there
this is a reality check for the ages
love is conditional, and some friendships are just phases

Still Never Any Good

I’m sorry my emotional intelligence isn’t as high as yours
I’m sorry you are a different person behind close doors
growing up in a society that makes you feel the world is yours
while I was told I’m beneath an animal on all fours
constantly judged, misunderstood just because of where I’m from
let them ignore the fact I have no history of doing anything wrong
you see, my complexion is a little bit more familiar with the sun
and for that reason I’m always cautious and on the run
you feel attacked when I defend against your accusations
I’m sorry your imagination makes you a victim beyond my appreciation
I’ve spent my whole life defending myself unnecessarily
so maybe my best defense is an offensive front
I’m not one for confrontations, but I’ll make it blunt
if I feel attacked, I fight back. It’s all I ever knew
but you struck first, so what did you want me to do
passive is not my approach when my back is to a corner
my word versus yours, I’m not hopeful for the former
but that’s just how it is, so I put up high fences
I let you in at the cost of leaving me defenseless…

For as long as you knew me, after all this time
how could you accuse me of these crimes
and I’m not allowed to present my defense
without you feeling attacked or on the fence
about our relationship, ready to bail so quick
dropped a bomb on me, made me feel so sick
everything about me, you seem to have a problem with
you question the quest we’re on because I can be inconsiderate
making everything seem so one sided, that couldn’t be it
I’ve tolerated and forgave all the childish ways you behave
I took the punches, rolled with them like the waves
we always bounced back, but this time I don’t think we can be saved

I’m not seeking forgiveness, never again
I gave you my best, thought of you as a real friend
but there’s a level of fragility, our bond so brittle
conditional. I though so much while you thought so little
I did the best I could and it was still never any good
after all this time, I was still never any good

I can only be as good to you as you are to me
so how good did you really allow me to be
I let you in from the beginning whether it was wise or not
I was never in your circle, but I took my shot
just to face rejection for a number of excuses
I knew better a long time ago and should of just said deuces
there was little reciprocity of invitations out of generosity
and I began to realize that being your fan hurts
but even with all the evident hypocrisy and double standards
I was willing to commit time regardless of my grind
but when it came to yours, I was never on the mind
I blame myself for not being confrontational sooner
but I came to the conclusion our friendship was situational
with so much invested, I was the only loser

how can I be sure anything I do is right
if you shame me for being polite
for standing my ground against the intruder of the night
at the same time, for not putting up a fight
there’s just no winning when you are the referee
it’s always you vs everything that is me
can we take a minute to be happy for each other
no, not if mine is an inconvenience or bother
let’s consider all the ways I’ve been inconsiderate
because clearly you have never given me shit
I’ve done nothing but open up myself for you to use
and in return I say things like I guess I deserve the abuse
I kept coming back not really knowing why
something about you always made me want to try
I never told you a lie, I meant it when I said for you I would die
I would of taken a bullet, never thinking you’d be the one to shoot it

Season of Dreams

I think we both chose the safe option
so I find myself dreaming often
I stuck to the plan that I once abandoned
you started a family, meaning nothing would happen
thought just maybe
we could of been together
but now you had a baby
and you’ll be gone forever
living your new life
someone’s mom, a new wife
such strife
but what a time for you to be alive

we change just like the seasons
a million dreams filled with reasons
that come and go long before we know
life moves so fast, but catching up is slow
in what season do you dream
are those dreams yet to be seen

maybe I was just hoping for a fling
we didn’t really have to be a thing
just wanted to taste your perfection
then let you freely use me, a means to no end
discard me, toss me to the side
I think the attraction had always been physical
we had nothing in common emotional or spiritual
but I wanted to be your god for a night
you could of been the best night of my life
we could of done it…right?
If I were a little more aggressive
a little less love-sick
stuck with someone who doesn’t want me
got me asking how could companionship be so lonely?
In a different place, in a different time
if I only acted out my dreams instead of treating them like crimes
we could of been once in a lifetime

I know I said a fling was all I need huh
but I finally let go of the bullshit I feed on
and saw all that you had to offer
a little too late because now you have your daughter
beautiful like her mother with a supportive husband and father
everything I should of been if only I knew how to be it
but while your life blossomed, mine retreated
you worked for everything you have, I cheated
times changed, our lives changed with the times
but I was unable to keep up with mine
if I feel that something is absent in my life
I won’t pretend it isn’t you that made me feel alive

Only After Midnight

thoughts of you haunt my mind constantly
memories of us are always taunting me
we were alone when we found each other
now your life resides with another
I was so scared of losing you, and yet I did
so afraid of telling you, so I hid
my confessions, darker than you could imagine
but your secrets, enough to fill a mansion
we live in such a dark place together and alone
I hear the creaks, disturbing silences in our home
year around tension, evergreen frustration
with no resolution in sight, I die every day
knowing I’ve failed to impact you in any way

I wake up with you on my mind
but I’m only on yours after 9 pacific time
you love me, only after midnight
only love me after we fight
only love me when I’m in your sight
why don’t we know how to love right?

I thought I knew what love was
but I mourn everyday for something I’m not sure of
You’ve made me feel so empty, so incomplete
I’m just another distraction, I can’t compete
what does it take to feel like I’m worth something
any time I try, I walk away feeling like nothing
you loved me only out of obligation to feel whole
your touch has always felt so cold
I had a feeling, to get by, you lied
but I created excuses, protecting my pride
I wish there was more, but I felt needy
and when I asked, you made me feel greedy
I was asking more of you than you could provide
but I’ve seen you give more, I’ve seen you more alive

everything about us was always on your terms
after all this time, I was too blind to learn
there’s no way I was ever getting through to you
I was never going to be enough, we know its true
I was a means to an end, and the end is here
your inaction speaks volumes to how much you care
I blame myself for not accepting this day would come
I knew every bit of investment in you would be undone
but still you convinced me you were the one
or I convinced myself to no objection of your own
now my choices are to continue feeling down and alone
or to move forward and be the soul haunting this abandoned home

Secondhand News

why am I always last to know
why do I always hear it from somebody else
when you can just tell me yourself
have you lost confidence in me and what you want
cause I used to be your top confidant
then something changed in a way I can’t explain
I fell to second, third place, then eventually out the race, entirely
why does it feel like you fired or retired me
despite always being in your corner quietly
loud when I needed to be, your critics couldn’t silence me
but you hit mute, I get radio silence. I don’t understand
I get the details about you from another man
who should know you better than you and I
I just want to know who, what and why

I used to be your right-hand man
now I’m your second mate, second rate,
second place backup plan
i’m no longer part of your life’s plan
I care but feel misunderstood, misused
everything I hear is secondhand news

what changed? my status, or is it yours, or is it ours
we used to keep each other informed, on the hour
but something’s changed, I just don’t get it
our history, I can’t begin to forget it
but I’m starting to regret it
all those times I confided, poured out my heart
thinking it would be reciprocated by you, my counterpart
but I’m starting to see through the facade
and I must applaud your efforts to make me believe I meant something
but I was the back up plan when everyone else gave you nothing
maybe there’s a bit a jealousy in me that’s talking
but I’ve invested too much to become a second option
I thought I had your respect, but respect devolved to neglect

You ask about me only when I walk away
and even then it still depends on the day
I miss the trust we used to have
through the seasons we had each other’s back
but now my winters become colder
my weekends become sober
the wind blows me to an island of solitude
I set sail the moment you bailed during our feud
the costs for you was high, but I didn’t mind the prices
on the other hand, I was just a tool to be used for your own devices
am I being dramatic or does everything feel so one-sided
I debated if I should say something or continue to hide it
I’m not sure anything at this point would make a difference
just got to move on and learn to reciprocate your indifference

The Evidence

I hate the way he looks at you and you look back
he smiles, you smile and I’m just in the back
back of your mind, not worth the same time
the way you touch hands like its planned
you used to make me feel special
now i see videos of you two on YouTube
everything now is about you two
we used to fight like lovebirds, but now I’m never heard
not even worth the time of day, zero frills
you say I got issues, but you have zero chill
switching up and constantly changing
no loyalty, I was just another play thing

the evidence is there, clear as day
it’s recess and the kids are out to play
but you stay behind, he stays behind
ignorance is bliss, but it’s not blind
you moved on and I thought we were timeless
but now you reject even the simplest of my kindness

I distract myself with other women
but who am I kidding
it’s always been you since the beginning
so many exes still have your number
waiting on a list that started last November
when you decided he was the one for you
when you said there was nothing I could do
maybe differently, but in as many words
words that I wanted to pretend that I never heard
I’ll always remember who you were to me
who, speaking honestly, you still continue to be
even with all the inconsistency, it’s all a mystery
I thought things would change through all the strife
I know it’s not right, but I still want you in my life
the desire never fades, love or lust, you’re a must have
I thought you were a fad, but you’re the past present and future I wish I had

Jealousy is a new feeling, I’m not used to it
but it’s my life now, don’t know what to do with it
I see you and I want to deny what I see
the joy in your eyes you never had with me
feel like a failure though I never had your favor
was I too abrasive, too much of a pushover
too young making you feel so much older
you gave me a run for my money
jump started my appetite then left me hungry
I questioned what I lacked right in the moment
but I’m just not the one, It’s about time I own it

House of M.

We built this relationship under false pretenses
for so long we have been pretending
that friendship was ever enough
you wanted my attention, I wanted your touch
flirting with an infatuation filled with lust
to have your mind, your body was a must
I’ve been honest from the start
but I’ve omitted the fact that you had my heart
we both had someone else at the time
but that carried little weight in our minds
we would complain to each other
an incidental comfort to one another
we talked all day and all night
we flowed so naturally, it felt right
more right, than anything before
you epitomized who I was looking for
while looking for an escape, I was your door
you would of been worth every last sin
my end all, be all…fin

Living life the way we intended
we should have never pretended
I was building my house of M.
now I’m buried under your house with them

every suggestion was suggestive
crossing lines, but neither of us protested
if anything we persisted
pushed to the brink of temptation
I accepted the idea of an affair without hesitation
Hera forgive me, but truth is the way
I would of thrown it all away, to this day
waiting for an opening to come
so that we can do what we never done
but that day never came and life is the same
different in ways we can’t go back on
but when I catch your scent I think back on
the times our eyes would meet
the days our happiness peaked
the smile that would make me weak
I just wish we were bold enough to leap

we would momentarily get a taste of our potential
the moments you let me close enough to know you
but we were always looking through a window
I opened up in a way I never knew I could
anyone who preceded you, they were no good
we entertained thoughts of being together
knowing dreams are dreams and reality is forever
we still grew attached, hoping the other would act
but life has been cruelly fortunate to us both
with another, we’ve each taken an oath
pulling us apart with success in opposite directions
but some part of us holds on hoping for our resurrection
cause we live forever in each other, just to die again
I’ll keep building houses until it’s you and I in the end…

give meaning to our house of M.

Friday Waves

100% sarcastic, but you only get me half the time
I’m rhyme and reason, but you only get the rhyme
and I wouldn’t have the patience for your condescension and sass
if you were half as fine with half the ass
but where we begin is where we end
here’s to everyone you’ve loved who isn’t me
celebration is in order for this irony
we can confidently say we are complimentary to one another
there is an inability to foresee a reality where we don’t have each other
there can’t be ramifications for the actions we never take
but there’s no solace in the mistakes we didn’t make
damn, if we didn’t hesitate, imagine the memories we could create

we go back and forth and back to it
I know your worth, that’s why I attack it
from the front to the back we’re at it again
just a friend, a means to an end
I’m just riding waves Monday to Friday
waiting for Friday to wave back my way

I want to keep you around but how do we do that?
scattered thoughts about you, how do we put it back?
sometimes I love you, sometimes I don’t want to
but I can’t let go or maybe I don’t want to
because if not me, then someone else will love you
but that someone will never touch you the way I do
so how can we move forward side-stepping the situation
how many scenarios I’ve gone through in contemplation
I don’t want to put you in this position to hate me
but I dwell on the times you said “take me”
I knew you would marry the next guy you dated
so why would I bother to meet the next guy I hated
I didn’t want to settle for 1st mate
2nd runner up, 3rd strike, I’m out of chances
I was illiterate seemingly missing all your advances

All I want to do is share one dance with you
love you harder than anyone else could
but I’m no good, I’ve never been good
and nothing I want could ever be, or ever would
time is everything, I don’t want to miss a minute
time stopped when I determined you lived within it
but it’s simply not enough
to have a life time wasted without your love
and I’m chillin in limbo riding the waves
for years upon weeks upon days
anticipating the nothing that follows
when you wait on something so hollow
just to face a reality that’s hard to swallow

She Can’t Be Saved

You dated her so you could feel like her savior

she’s down and out for the count

but you pick her back up, dust her off and tell her enough

she don’t have to deal with that life anymore

cause you’ll make it better than it was before

you can have all her needs met

all her problems, she could just forget

cause you’re here, you care, catching all her tears

thinking you can cure all her fears

healing her insecurities with your ego stroking therapy

cause you are the remedy when life is her enemy

She’s so filled with hate, she can’t be saved
insecurities, created toxic impurities
her path is paved, she can’t be saved
there’s no amount of excuses for her behavior
she needs self love, and that can’t wait for later

The appeal is real but what about the love you feel

you fell for broken pieces and struggle to grasp the reasons

your relationship goes through changes like the seasons

the ups and downs are a nonstop roller coaster

but you believe all of this only brings you closer

there’s a passion you feel from an over abundance of empathy

but the more she breaks down, the more you feel empty

how could your cure fail, your presence not be enough

and now you deal with constant rebuffs

but it only makes you fight harder than before

cause if it isn’t working the key must be to love more

how can you be whole together when she had a hole to begin with

you tried to save her from herself without the foundations of friendship

and now look how it is all ending
you’ve dug your grave and sorrow is your bedding

the best of intentions with the most selfish of deeds

you gave her what she wanted, but never what she needs

she took you and your efforts for granted

there are so many inconsistencies, you don’t understand it

but reality is you were never meant to save her

she needed saving, buy she didn’t need you to be a savior

take a step back and see that every cry was a cry for love
not your love but for self love
you fell for potential that goes untapped and held back
suppressed by a cruelty that resides deep within her soul
she’s just not the one whom you are meant to grow old
she is a tyrant in her own right, maybe she’ll be saved
but it shouldn’t be by you, and not today
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